The Style Invitational Week 902: What's the good news?
Friday, January 7, 2011; 12:27 PM
Original: "The satellites veered
off course and crashed near Hawaii."
Spun English: "The satellites
successfully entered a bathyspheric trajectory."
A week ago we ran the results
of our contest to take a sentence from The Post and "translate" it
cynically into "Plain English." This week we ask you to do the
opposite: Take any sentence, or substantive part of a sentence, or a headline,
from an article or ad in The Washington Post or washingtonpost.com from Jan. 7
to Jan. 18 and make it sound more upbeat (or not so bad), as in the example
above that Jeff Contompasis submitted as an "anti-Invitational" entry
for Week 897. If there's anyone who should ace an obfuscation contest, it's a
Washingtonian.
Winner gets the Inker, the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second prize receives this mugcelebrating
the FBI-NYPD Joint Terrorist Task Force, depicting a cross between Boris
Badenov and Spy vs. Spy, but with less subtlety. Donated by Loser Cheryl Davis.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser
magnets. First offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener"
(Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your
entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is
Tuesday, Jan. 18. Put "Week 902" in the subject line of your e-mail,
or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone
number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and
originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries
may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Feb. 6. No purchase
required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, or their immediate
relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be
disqualified. The revised title for next week's results was submitted by Kevin
Dopart. The honorable-mentions subhead is by Brendan Beary.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser magnets.
First offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener" (Fir Stink
for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your entries by
e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Tuesday,
Jan. 18. Put "Week 902" in the subject line of your e-mail, or it
risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone number
with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and originality. All
entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries may be edited for
taste or content. Results to be published Feb. 6. No purchase required for
entry. Employees of The Washington Post, or their immediate relatives, are not
eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified. The revised
title for next week's results was submitted by Kevin Dopart. The
honorable-mentions subhead is by Brendan Beary.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser
magnets. First offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener"
(Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your
entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is
Tuesday, Jan. 18. Put "Week 902" in the subject line of your e-mail,
or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone
number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and
originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries
may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Feb. 6. No purchase
required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, or their immediate
relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be disqualified.
The revised title for next week's results was submitted by Kevin Dopart. The
honorable-mentions subhead is by Brendan Beary.
The Winner of the Inker
April 11: President Obama
begins a Rose Garden news conference by saying he loves spring and April is his
favorite month. Bill O'Reilly fumes that Obama's clear hatred of December is
part of the War on Christmas, while Glenn Beck ominously reminds his viewers
that Hitler was born in April. (Arthur C. Adams, Laurel)
2 winner of the (appropriately)
Pointless Calendar: March 15: WikiLeaks posts a classified document revealing
that House Speaker John Boehner hides diced onions in his handkerchief. (Roy
Ashley, Washington)
3 Feb. 6: At Super Bowl XLV,
reporter Ines Sainz announces that she just received Brett Favre's colonoscopy
pictures. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
4 Feb. 27: Julian Assange is
avenged in Stockholm in hand-to-hand combat with the Girl With the Dragon
Tattoo. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)
Gross prophets: Honorable mentions
Jan. 24: Rep. Michele
Bachmann is removed from the Intelligence Committee when a vacancy occurs on
the Stupidly Offensive Committee. (Ira Allen, Bethesda)
Jan. 25: In his State of the
Union address, Obama pledges that by the end of the decade there will be a
State of the Union pledge that we will put an American on Mars by the end of
the decade. (Danny Bravman, Chicago)
Feb. 15: On a visit to New
York to meet with Wall Street moguls, House Speaker John Boehner embarrasses
House Majority Leader Eric Cantor by ordering corned beef on white with
mayonnaise at the Carnegie Deli. (Elliott B. Jaffa, Arlington, who last got ink
11 years ago)
March 31: On the Nationals'
opening day, Jayson Werth tears a hamstring in the fifth inning, is out for the
season. (Mike Gips, Bethesda)
April 1: Despite a slight
breeze for most of the afternoon, not a single Pepco customer loses power.
(Marty McCullen, Gettysburg, Pa.)
May 2: Albert Haynesworth
buys a $2 lottery ticket and wins another $30 million. (Craig Dykstra, Centreville)
May 27: The Postal Service
says it will deliver on Saturdays. Only. (Russell Beland, Fairfax)
June 19: Tornado strikes
Delaware; house falls on former Senate candidate. (Bob Dalton, Arlington)
June 28: The summit of Mount
Everest is closed for three days because of a bedbug infestation. (Joel
Knanishu, Rock Island, Ill.)
July 17: Congress is outraged
after learning that the headquarters of the Society for Learned Debate is to be
built within sight of Capitol Hill. (Larry Yungk, Arlington)
Aug. 7: The refrigeration
unit in Lady Gaga's closet breaks down, spoiling thousands of dollars' worth of
USDA Prime clothing. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)
Aug. 15: Veteran Style
Invitational Loser Chris Doyle accidentally employs amphibrachic meter in a
limerick that clearly calls for anapestic trimeter. (Jeff Brechlin)
Aug. 28: Facebook rolls out a
feature that allows you to spy on your "friend" who always answers
everything with "LOL," so you can see if he's really L-ing OL.
(Brendan Beary, Great Mills)
Sept. 9: Marine biologists
express outrage after Michael Vick says he wants to own sea monkeys. (Trevor
Kerr, Chesapeake, Va.)
Sept. 24: A court decrees
that Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc., may no longer be associated with the
religiously derived word "holiday"; each will now be called a Federal
Happy Day. (Mae Scanlan, Washington)
Oct. 13: Blackwater is
awarded the Somalis' piracy contract. (Kevin Dopart)
Oct. 30: Seeing no
restoration of sanity since last year's event, Jon Stewart sets a more
realistic goal with his Rally to Encourage Good Oral Hygiene. (Gary Crockett,
Chevy Chase)
Nov. 12: Victoria's Secret
introduces the Leslie Johnson signature series bra, available in sizes 32¢ to
38¤¤. (Craig Dykstra)
Dec. 24: With the Mayan-forecast
end of the world (12-21-2012) now less than a year away, sales of extended
warranties at Best Buy drop to zero. (Gary Crockett)
Dec. 31: The Style
Invitational once again avoids being a subject for its annual obit-poem
contest. (Kevin Dopart)
Next week: Clue us in, or Inking inside the box